Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life