What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Wednesday
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.