my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.