In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
❤️❤️❤️
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”