Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Some people were born into their job.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me