last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.