We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
You Might Also Like
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.