You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.