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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.