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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs