nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”