I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour