You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
It鈥檚 beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they鈥檙e told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn鈥檛 even running.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
It鈥檚 never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it鈥檚 always Hey Josh, I鈥檓 Daryl your court appointed attorney
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
There鈥檚 nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I鈥檓 a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i鈥檝e just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you鈥檙e sure it鈥檚 a check made out to you.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink