caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.