Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
You Might Also Like
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
What about second breakfast?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie