me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
bought wrong eggs
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*checks Timeline*…
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too