Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant