Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.