It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.