A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
your honor my client chooses dare
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.