“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I hate everything
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween