Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend