Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
#FunnyLife Insects
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.