I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile