My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Born to be mild.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.