*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y鈥檃ll doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y鈥橝LL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that鈥檚 better
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
If I鈥檓 grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m鈥檒ady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that鈥檚 good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer鈥檚 market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.