Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA