Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”