My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
me refusing to leave twitter
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.