Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Somebody’s lying.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Venn
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
when mom throws a party…
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued