I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
How dramatic are you?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!