Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.