I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.