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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*takes off hat*
βIβm afraid I have some bad news maβamβ
*puts on her hat*
βIβve stolen your hatβ
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
βMy middle name is War-and-Peace.β
βWhat?β
βItβs a long story.β
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Iβm not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Itβs not too spicy I just donβt think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but wonβt think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as βthe guy.β
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: βDonβt put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.β
Me: βWhy?β
Him: βThatβs how they know itβs the weekend.β
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. Itβs next to your machete
J: Hon, thatβs my work mask. If itβs all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when Iβm stalking camp councillors
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: iβm telling you
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
When asked what deceased historical figure Iβd like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told itβs an uninspired, clichΓ©d choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*