Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it