I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
house sitting!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°