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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”