I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she鈥檚 made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Enforcer: Kids don鈥檛 get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn鈥檛. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My husband says I鈥檓 not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I don鈥檛 like the person you become when I鈥檓 on my period.