BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Poetry is my passion
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.