I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Well well well…
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business