Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
You Might Also Like
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*