I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.