Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
(more comics:
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
We all have our pet causes.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
one last job
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do