Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You Might Also Like
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”