Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.