[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Oh hi lol
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister