I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
finally found a reasonable question
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I hope it’s French Onion!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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