Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
You Might Also Like
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds