Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Lmao
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.