You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
As the Lord intended
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Tough love is true love
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol